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April 1, 2008

Time for a Change

I read it on the World Wide Web; it must be true. The patent system is broke. Patents are being bought by fake companies who are not even doing what the patent is for. Then, these fakes, make what they call shell companies, like seashells, nobody home, with no real business but patent monkey business, sue companies that make the products we all love. These shells, scum of the earth, are acting like trolls. They are patent trolls. Wow. I like the sound of that.

Something must be done. "Whack-a-mole a la patent troll" sounds good. That "a la" part sounds French. Classy.

Let the Supreme Court rule that trolls can't stop a company from infringing. Money should be enough for these lowlife. But only spare change, like the gutter-crawling beggars they really are.

Make everything obvious. If Joe Six-Pack were a genius, there wouldn't be any patents. So, have the Supreme Court decree that there's this incredible creature that knows everything from the past, and can whip up anything from the past like it was nothing. The Supreme Court can say that ideas are like Lego blocks; you just snap them together. Those Supreme Court guys are smart, especially that sarcastic guy with the Italian name that looks like he was in the Sopranos. Call the know-everything creature Obzilla, like some crazy creative creature from the black lagoon. If a patent troll can't out-think Obzilla, no patent.

Pass laws outlawing patent trolls. Hunt them down, like... trolls.

Make the trolls count, down to the penny, exactly how much the novelty they have. Only the percent of the sales dough raked in that can be attributed to the novel part of their so-called invention, adjusted for inflation and phase of the moon, before they can even think about getting one red cent.

Don't let patent trolls go to court anywhere but Alcatraz. Then, only let baboons live on the island, wearing robes, so the trolls will be fooled from a distance, while rowing their boats to the island to file their crappy complaints, that the baboons are judges, outside for some fresh air. They won't be able to tell the difference. Judges look like baboons anyway. At least the one who sent me up upstate for a stretch did.

Don't forget publicity. Get some pointy-heads to study patents and declare they stink, and they smell even worse if a patent troll wiped himself with it. Law professors, real respectable, like Mark Lemley and Michael Meurer. They write like they know what they were doing, even if you can't follow it because it don't make no sense. Makes my head hurt.

Make Obama president. He's got that Lemley guy on his team. Obama's got lots of experience. He could run with Obzilla - the Big O ticket. They'd wipe the floor with that old fart who got brain damaged from being in a cage for five years during the Vietdamn war.

Get big tough corporate guys who know shit like shineola (they are the same, right?). Let them lead a patent troll goon squad. Make people think it's good, like Fox News, fair and balanced. Call the patent goon squad something powerful like "Bunch Of Corporate Guys With More Money Than You'll Ever See For Patent Fairness." They could strut around in paramilitary uniforms and BIG shiny badges, carrying truncheons with little troll-head tops. That would be cool. Hire those Iraq freedom fighters who ran Abu Ghraib to show the trolls what real novelty feels like.

Telling the same lie over and over makes it true.

I'm tired, and my head hurts. Would you guys pay me for writing this now, please?! You said you would.

Posted by Patent Hawk at April 1, 2008 12:31 AM | The Patent System

Comments

Amen brother,

It would be funny if it wasn't so sad...

Our beloved senators who know next to nothing about functioning of the patent system in real (dog-eat-dog) capitalistic society are pondering at the moment how best to destroy the system which made America the wealthiest country on Earth...
They have a very good start already.
Kill the trolls, just nuke them out !
Never mind that the side casualties will be all independent inventors, venture-backed tech startups going unfunded and dying out, university researchers stopping sharing results, all biotech industry going down the toilet, big pharma upset to the point of stopping basic research on new drugs etc. etc. etc.
Just kill the f****** trollz, that's all that matters.. Make those Mshit and Cisco CEOs happy and smiley

Posted by: angry dude at April 1, 2008 5:53 AM

Unfortunately, this article is too often true to life in software patents. I wish software patents could only be filed by software developers who have spent at least one man year developing the subject(of the patent).
That would prevent the needless "playing blackjack over the network" type patents.
Too often these patents are filed by lawyers, for lawyers to extort money from developers who are producing products.
It has nothing to do with encouraging innovation or protecting a software developers investment.

Posted by: Steve at April 1, 2008 11:25 AM

Steve said:
"I wish software patents could only be filed by software developers who have spent at least one man year developing the subject(of the patent)."

Better yet, dude, institute a PTO requirement for all patent applicants to already have a solid business plan backed by investors :-)

But seriously, dude, it's none of the PTO's business to consider what amount of time and effort applicant spent on invention.

"Patentability shall not be negated by the manner in which the invention is made." 35 U.S.C.

Ever heard of a "flash of genious" doctrine ?
BTW, there is a movie coming out, about late Bob Kearns and his ordeals with crooked american automotive industry
I keep thinking: what if american automotive industry adopted a more respectful approach to independent inventors like Kearns and actually licenced inventions instead of stealing them outright ? Then maybe, just maybe, we would still have a competitive automotive industry in Detroit ?

Alas, too late for american car manufacturers..

Now the domestic high-tech industry will follow the same path if the current patent "reform" passes into law

Posted by: angry dude at April 1, 2008 12:11 PM