All but a small fraction of patents are invalid. That's a loaded statement of patent office competence. Patent Hawk is a skilled patent killer, who typically provides patent coffin nails for a few thousand dollars. Then there's the valuation - the part where a patent is only worth something if it's infringed, or going to be. That too might cost a few thousand to suss out.

So, if you really want to know what a portfolio is worth, call the Hawk. Or you can use the computerized algorithmic valuator that Ocean Tomo is pimping. That's surely as reliable a winner as buying stocks in what promises to be a very prolonged downturn.

Investment rubes are always looking for the next hustle, just as jive journalists and their publisher are selling whatever sensationalism they think you'll buy. As Marvin Gaye once sang, "believe half of what you see son, and none of what you hear."

An investment tip: don't count on the courts to dispense justice, but do count on them to protect the plutocratic republic. A patent's value lies largely in who's holding it. Count on it. Everything else is just juice from the grapevine, and certainly some of it sour.